Red Flags in Dating: What you Need to Know
15 red flags you need to look out for, plus how to know what your “personal red flags” are.
Is the term “red flags” getting a bit overwhelming to you?
If you’re single and you’ve spent any time looking for dating advice, you’ve seen the endless lists of dating red flags and green flags. The messages about “red flags you can’t ignore.” And advice that “you should have seen the red flags” when you’re heartbroken after a breakup.
Some of these messages about red flags are enough to scare you away from dating forever.
Because dating isn’t easy. But it can be so rewarding if you can navigate it well.
Red flags can help you navigate dating if you know what they really are.
Then what are red flags, really? The origin of a red flag is to warn of danger. At best, red flags are a sign of behaviour to pay closer attention to. At the worst, red flags are a threat of danger.
Now, there are some general red flags that can be warning signs of danger to come, physical, mental, or emotional. Here’s a list I’ve come up with from my own dating experience, from coaching clients, and research into the psychology of dating (this is not an exhaustive list, but used for example purposes):
8 Red Flags in Dating
physical violence or abuse
a threat of physical violence
not respecting physical boundaries (i.e you say “no” to intimate contact and you are ignored or forced into it)
abusing alcohol or using illegal drugs
verbal abuse (i.e. name-calling, belittling)
demanding or pressuring you to give them money
breaking the law
forcing you to do anything you have said you do not want to do, or not allowing you to do something you want to do
These are deal-breakers for all relationships in general, not just dating. Because they can promote violence, abuse, or deny your personal boundaries.
7 Additional Red Flags in Dating:
can include, but are not limited to:
lying (beyond little “white lies”)
withholding information that directly affects you or your well-being
unresolved financial burdens/debts or uncontrolled spending habits (as this could become a financial liability for you in the future)
expressing an inability or unwillingness to commit to a relationship
they are married or otherwise engaged in another relationship
infidelity (unless you explicitly agree to be non-monogamous)
attempts to control what you eat, wear, say, do, etc.
What are “Personal Red Flags” in relationships?
These red flags come down to personal preference and are based on circumstances. I call them your “personal red flags” because you decide them. A good way to think of red flags are things that are deal-breakers and non-negotiables for you.
For example, a red flag for you might be smoking. If you don’t smoke and you do not want to be in a relationship with someone who smokes, this is a red flag for you. Now, if you don’t mind smoking, or don’t have strong feelings against it, smoking may not be a red flag for you.
Another example of a red flag for you might be someone who travels out of the country for work. You may really need someone who is available throughout the week and in the evening, for any number of personal reasons. If this person is not willing or unable to modify their travel commitments, this can be a red flag for you. Now if you enjoy a lot of alone time or you don’t need your partner to be home during the week, this may not be a red flag for you at all.
These types of red flags come down to personal needs and preferences.
What helps even more with red flags is knowing your Core Values in a relationship. These are the things you value most in life and create a solid foundation for relationships. Knowing yours makes it so much easier to spot red flags.
Discover your Core Values with this simple free guide.
If you’re a single woman desiring a healthier, committed relationship, I strongly encourage you to look into my “Learn to Love Well” 8-week course. It’s a proven pathway to transform your relationships and prepare you for the healthy love you long for.
If you or someone you know is suffering from abuse or violence in a relationship, please take action and call your local Domestic Abuse Hotline or emergency response.
If you are experiencing trauma or unresolved emotional distress from a prior relationship, a licensed therapist may be able to help. Here’s an offer for a free week of therapy at BetterHelp .