Uncertainty: How I learned from it in 2020

I can honestly say I underestimated the sheer depth of uncertainty 2020 would bring. And at the same time, I underestimated how much I could learn from that uncertainty.

Layer by layer, 2020 feels like it ripped off any resemblance I had of a comfort blanket; leaving me feeling exposed and vulnerable.

At first I clutched and grasped for comfort. For anything that felt safe and familiar. But it didn’t last. Because it was never meant to.

The layers of comfort that kept me safe were holding me back. My heart and soul were calling for more in a way I could not ignore.

Experience has taught me that it is worse to numb or run away from my feelings. So I sat with them: vulnerability, fear, and discomfort. 

And asked what they could teach me.  

As the year unfolded, I embraced the teachings. And I cried. A lot. I cried in coffee shops, parking lots, on Zoom calls, in my car, dancing in my kitchen, on the shower floor… with each layer shed came a stream of tears to wash it away.

At times I didn’t know what, or who, I was crying for.

These tears were a cleansing. They didn’t want pity, attention, or sorrow. They wanted to set me free.

I’m aware that some may perceive this expression of emotion as perverse. The depth and rawness of a good cry scares the hell out of most people. It even scares me from time to time.

But trust me when I say, I never cry for no reason. I know you don’t either. There’s a method to this “madness”.

As a highly sensitive person, I seem to feel deeply and intensely, and tears have always been a means to express my feelings. And 2020 has been… a lot to feel.

My tears don’t make me weak, childish, or crazy. No, no, quite the opposite. My tears give me strength, expand my heart, and set me free.

Learning to be free in 2020 cost me people who no longer aligned, beliefs that were too limiting, words that were too small, and conversations that were too shallow. It threatened my relationships, my financial health, and my sense of self.

But that freedom didn’t come just from just crying or feeling - to end there would risk self-indulgence, pity, and getting stuck. To create freedom from uncertainly and fear, there must be action.

I believe in taking heart-centered action aligned with my truth. So I did whatever I could in 2020 to learn those lessons that vulnerability, fear, and discomfort had for me. I faced parts of myself I didn’t want to see - the anxious, fearful, self-sabotaging victim in me. And I embraced the lover, leader, and creator that I am.

In doing this, I have come into even more focused alignment with myself, enabling a more inspired, trusting, confident, understanding, and courageous version of me to show up.

I’ve done a lot of work. And still, there’s more to do. 2021 will have more layers to uncover.

As 2020 comes to a close, I find more comfort in the uncertainty. I’ve learned that when I embrace uncertainty, I will be met with certainties… of further growth, deeper purpose, more expansive love, and ultimately more freedom.

Polarity at its finest.

Thank you, 2020, for letting me learn from you.

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